Me and my mom. Whomever I look like, I'm cute. lol
So this year has proven to be an eventful one, if nothing else. From the beginning it was a big one, finally getting to return to school would be the top story of 09, falling in love, seeing it fall apart, being hospitalized for an appendix I thought was a pulled muscle, seeing and appreciating my Mom and our relationship in a new way, getting a new roommate, a really good sale find at H&M... the list goes on.
But one thing seemed to be a problem that I knew lingered, but ignored, assuming I was making a little too much out of it. My friend once described a person he was dating as "passive, real aggressive." This was one of those.
I figured out there was a potential problem about four years ago or so, when I saw one of those commercials asking you questions about your health. You know, one of the ones that lists so many symptoms that you're bound to have one or more of them and start to freak out? Yeah, one of those. Only I had almost all of them. The commercial was one with a woman sitting in a meeting, she couldn't pay attention because, as the announcer said, "the channel kept changing" in her head. Inherently, I changed the channel because I was bored.
Two years later I started recognizing that I was having a few more issues. I realized that for a very long time I've had a struggle with retaining the information I was reading. Now, don't get me wrong, "I can read, you've seen me read!" But I would regularly have to go back over something, re-reading it once, twice, sometimes more than that, to actually take in the information. One reading wouldn't render effective for me because one word or phrase in a sentence would send my mind going rogue like Sarah Palin (minus dead moose and the pricey wardrobe). Here's what it'd be like:
Mmmm. Now if that's not distracting... (Welcome to my world, lol)
TEXT: Cameron stopped at Taco Bell...
MY MIND: oooo, Taco Bell. I wonder if they still have the Crunchwrap? I wish there was a Taco Bell closer to my house. There's really only a few fast food choices out here, and I'm pretty tired of those. But this is a really nice area. Especially in the spring time with all the flowers. Did I buy flour? Yeah, it's in the pantry. They kitchen looks a mess, I should wash those dishes...
TEXT: ...he realized the air freshener was empty.
WAIT!? What just happened? And I'd have to start over again. Eventually I started having to picture every word in my head as if there were a full scale motion picture accompanying the written words, but at least then I would be able to focus on what I'd read. The only problem was it was pretty draining to have to think so hard to get through some of the most arbitrary reading. I started to hate reading. Really I started avoiding anything that required too much of my focused attention or analyzation for a long duration of time (my feet are tapping, and I'm having to hold my face at attention to just get through editing this damn article!). Friends would want to sit down and watch a movie, and the idea would make me cringe. I'd say "No, why don't we eat?"
However, this year I started to see manifestations in a new way that I hadn't had the opportunity to in a couple years. In school. This year in school has been the hardest on me, but simultaneously not. My classes, for me, haven't been really all that difficult in their content, but for some reason completing assignments and getting them in on time, was beyond the normal procrastination of my youth. My grades have suffered pretty bad, and I could no longer ignore that something was clearly awry.
This last week I've been to the doctor a couple times for evaluation(s), all ending with the conclusion that I've got the goods, ADHD. Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. Whatever all that means. Now, I have to say, I went into this pretty confident that I'd walk away with this diagnosis. But in all honesty, a major factor in my years-long reluctance to even go to the doctor was that I didn't want to be put on any kind of medication that I'd have to take daily, indefinitely. It just weirded me out, and I didn't want to be "that guy."
Then I thought about my life...
Since I was a little boy with a perfectly flat high-top fade, cross colors, and multiple missing baby teeth, I've had big goals and grand dreams. What kid doesn't? The only thing is, mine never got any smaller; they've actually grown bigger and bigger (which probably explains the size of my can't-fit-hats head). I'd tell you about them, but this is already getting way too long for me. My dreams and goals haven't really been unclear, I haven't ever had to wonder what or where I'd be when I grew up, and those that know me well, know the future I have laid out for myself, and for some of them as well.
This year I've worked really hard (or at least tried) at getting myself disciplined in all areas of my life. From working out, to eating well, to working hard in school. I've made a few strides, but very little have I been able to make stick and I've just recently realized that if I don't take a step toward figuring out what's up with me, I'll potentially never get to the dreams, goals, and cheesecakes I've only fantasized about.
So... Monday will be Day One for me. I start taking meds to help me focus, have more attention, be more motivated to complete tasks, etc. Who knows, maybe a year from now I'll be able to sit down and read this whole letter to myself, at one time. Maybe I'll actually be able to journal for more than three consecutive nights. Maybe I'll read all the Harry Potter books... okay, one thing at a time. But I digress, (ugh) as usual..
If you take anything away from this, I would hope and pray that it's to simply not ignore a problem that you don't want to face. I've prided myself on trying hard to learn lessons vicariously through others' mishaps, screw ups, and Whitney Houston's. But on this one, I kinda failed myself. I let school suffer, potentially stalled some good things from becoming great things, and robbed myself of potentially valuable time. But I'm still young and sexy. :)
::Cues Full House serious end-of-the-episode music::
Life's challenges are not supposed to always be convenient, fun, and/or exciting to deal with. Sometimes, it's supposed to be a little scary, a little unnerving, and make you feel a little bit uneasy. But aren't some of the greatest returns in life from taking a risk, being a little vulnerable, and being open to possibilities? I sure as hell hope so, spilling all my damn business to the world. Or at least to you..
Serious face, because I think that's what's supposed to go here. Grrr.
For those of you that care, I'll do my best to keep you posted on how ADHD and me are doing. God willing, one day, just like many things in recent years, it'll be something I don't even pay attention anymore. Now, go take some chances, ask some questions, and step closer to being the best you you can be in 2010. Who knows what we'll accomplish when we take one ordered step at a time?
Best,
j.
The gem cannot be polished without friction, nor people perfected without trials.~Confucius
