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j.

Duly Noted: "Your position is no longer needed."

Interesting.

I lost my job about five hours ago. I was casually told that it was because “my position [was] no longer needed,” an interesting choice of words considering I’d been already replaced mere hours before I was formally and impersonally let go, from my “temporarily part-time” position. I’d expected this news sooner or later, and well... here we were.

Now, I’m sitting here watching Oprah and she’s talking about a new CBS show “Undercover Boss”1 (premiering after Super Bowl XLIV). The show takes high level bosses and puts them into the entry-level positions they are multiple levels of management away from. I don’t think I could have watched this and not thought about my own job, excuse me “former job,” and how this relates to life in the grander scheme of things.

At work, in the weather center...

I called my mom as I walked away from the job where I’d pretty faithfully spent the last three years of my life, and about 75% of the time I’ve lived here in Atlanta, three thousand miles away from what I’d known as home. My mom did the typical mom thing, and we laughed together at what she was sure (and correct) was my reaction, “Yeah mom, I know. God has a plan for you, this will make you available for what the Lord has for you next, blah, blah, blah. Lady, I get it.”

I believe all of those things to be truer than true and, obviously, quite timely. But in this moment, I was pissed. Pissed. This job had become a major part of my life, somehow had attached itself to part of my identity to others, and become a part of how I even defined myself. Then all in a less than thirty second conversation with a man I’d met only twice before, that was all taken away, because my “position [was] no longer needed.”

Interesting. Mixing the terribly delivered message from my manager’s manager and the Mom Speech my mother delivered, it’s made me think about the way God works. To balance out the craziness that I’ve experienced at work, I've had to believe there was a greater mission at work and a greater purpose being served. The Lord gave me three years at this job, afforded me invaluable experiences, and I’ve met outstanding, talented, and generous people, all of which have gotten me through the last three years in this position in my life.

At work, still... in the weather center.

But now, I’ve got a new place to move. My position, here, where I stood this very morning, is no longer needed. Excitingly, a new position awaits; wherever it may be, however it may look.

My last status update said “Onward, Forward, Upward,” my outlook for whatever is coming over the horizon. How often is our position no longer needed, but we remain where we are until we're politely (or not so politely, lol) tapped on the shoulder, and asked for our keycard? To be honest, I wrote a letter of resignation for this job three months ago, to the day.

Interesting. Between a meeting with management and talking with Mom and the Lord, I got what we strived to give every single day: The news I’d expected and the balance I deserved. That, was 11Alive.

Best,

j.

PS: Thanks to everyone at 11Alive that I’ve worked with for all the great times, big thank you to those of you who have helped me in innumerable ways, taught me so many valuable lessons, and offered me unrelenting support. I promise I won’t forget it, or you. Until next time...

Have You Heard!? - Mariah Carey

Up Out My Face (Remix)

Mariah Carey (Feat. Nicki Minaj)

::Cameron Ducker resides in Atlanta, Ga and is the founder of popular music and entertainment blog MusikChildOnline.com, and is the Music & Entertainment Editor at JarrettHill.com

::Follow Cameron on Twitter @Musik_CD

Have You Heard!? - Corinne Bailey Rae

I'd Do It All Again - Corinne Bailey Rae

ALSO Check Out:

Back in 2007 we chatted with Corinne about visiting America, going to her first Grammy's, Oprah and so much more! Check it Out

::Cameron Ducker resides in Atlanta, Ga and is the founder of popular music and entertainment blog MusikChildOnline.com, and is the Music & Entertainment Editor at JarrettHill.com

::Follow Cameron on Twitter @Musik_CD

Duly Noted: "If only..."

I generally don't tend to make New Year's resolutions, as I don't see the point in setting myself up for the pending failure that 46% of Americans fall to after only for weeks into the year. I do, however, tend to ask the Lord to help me with something in our relationship. Last year it was to hear the Voice more clearly, this year I wanted help with trust; trusting that the Lord knew what the Lord was doing and simply has my back. It's the second day of the year and if this morning was any indication... I'm gonna get what I've asked for.

This morning I was thoroughly pissed off. (Can I say that on TV? I'll call Standards...) I stood outside in 25 degree weather for 35 minutes, for a bus that never ended up coming. When another bus finally arrived, I was certain that the wonderful Mother MARTA system had screwed me without a kiss, yet again.

My trip is supposed to take an hour and 45 mins, there was no possible way I was making it to work in time to not have my @$$ handed to me on a platter -- and not even a silver platter but, like a plastic one, ya know, because we're in a recession.

I get on the second bus, which is also five minutes behind and begin my daunting ride to what was certain doom. I began calling cab companies to see which would rob me the least. None would arrange a cab for a place I was on my way to, via public transportation, and when I thought I'd figured out a way around that, yet another brick wall. All the while I'm riding the bus to a train station. Little did I know, the bus that'd picked me up late would arrive to the station a few minutes early. That set off a chain of events that all worked out in my favor.

To abridge a longer story, I hadn't realized that I was already on an alternate route that was taking me where I needed to be. To top it off, after being picked up 35 minutes late I actually got to work seven minutes BEFORE I had originally planned for.

When I realized that everything was going to work out well, back when we got to the train station ahead of schedule, it dawned on me that I had been so worried about how I could make it work that I'd missed the fact that it already was.

When I got onto the train I heard the Lord saying, "if only you'll trust me."

Hmm. Duly noted.

Duly Noted: "a person or thing that closes."

As this year has come closer and closer to its completion I’ve taken a few personal steps to close some doors that had never seemed to be actually closed before. It was sort of like the door would be almost closed, then it a gust of wind would push it, crack it slightly, and before I knew it the whole thing had flung back open - am I on my own in this one? Eh, I guess that’s cool. lol

In my recent love of wanting to look up every word there is, I was curious to find out what the dictionary said about “closure.” The dictionary on my computer gave rather uninspiring answers, but Dictionary.com had many... many definitions. One of them stood out:

___
Clo-sure [kloh-zher] noun

10. Psychology
the tendency to see an entire figure even though the picture of it is incomplete, based primarily on the viewer's past experience.
___


I was fascinated by the choice of words used here, “even though the picture of it is incomplete...” Wow.

How often do we wait to hear from someone, hold off to return to a place, or simply just couldn’t move on until something happened to give us “closure”? Well closure, at least by this very definition, doesn’t seem to require anything but the decision to see the picture as done, not for it to actually be a completed puzzle.

I’ve ended some relationships this week, because I recognized they were unhealthy for who I see myself becoming in the future. The Jarrett of tomorrow, won’t be the same Jarrett of yesterday. The making of that decision, the moving to that place, and the growth of this person couldn’t possibly be contingent upon anything outside of me. No returned phone call, no awkward conversation, no hearing what someone else’s intentions actually were can have more impact on my life than the resolve of my own decision.

It wasn’t easy, but each day it’s easi-er. It’s now a process every day.

Finally, when researching closure, I almost accidentally moved down the page and found that the next word, after “closure,” was “closer.”

___
Clo-ser [kloh-zher] noun

a person or thing that closes.
___

Maybe today we can choose to intentionally move beyond the “closure” we’ve been looking for, to find the “closer” that we’ve needed all along, in ourselves. With a period on the end.

“Even the smallest journey begins with a single step.” -unknown

Kyra Sedgwick is: The Closer.

Get it? She's on a show called... "The Closer." Eh, it as funny to me.

Have You Heard!? - Katherine McPhee

Surrender- Katharine McPhee

:Cameron Ducker resides in Atlanta, Ga and is the founder of popular music and entertainment blog MusikChildOnline.com, and is the Music & Entertainment Editor at JarrettHill.com

::Follow Cameron on Twitter @Musik_CD

Have You Heard!? - Mary J. Blige

Color - Mary J. Blige

::Cameron Ducker resides in Atlanta, Ga and is the founder of popular music and entertainment blog MusikChildOnline.com, and is the Music & Entertainment Editor at JarrettHill.com

::Follow Cameron on Twitter @Musik_CD

Duly Noted: Doctor says I've got the goods...

Me and my mom. Whomever I look like, I'm cute. lol

So this year has proven to be an eventful one, if nothing else. From the beginning it was a big one, finally getting to return to school would be the top story of 09, falling in love, seeing it fall apart, being hospitalized for an appendix I thought was a pulled muscle, seeing and appreciating my Mom and our relationship in a new way, getting a new roommate, a really good sale find at H&M... the list goes on.

But one thing seemed to be a problem that I knew lingered, but ignored, assuming I was making a little too much out of it. My friend once described a person he was dating as "passive, real aggressive." This was one of those.

I figured out there was a potential problem about four years ago or so, when I saw one of those commercials asking you questions about your health. You know, one of the ones that lists so many symptoms that you're bound to have one or more of them and start to freak out? Yeah, one of those. Only I had almost all of them. The commercial was one with a woman sitting in a meeting, she couldn't pay attention because, as the announcer said, "the channel kept changing" in her head. Inherently, I changed the channel because I was bored.

Two years later I started recognizing that I was having a few more issues. I realized that for a very long time I've had a struggle with retaining the information I was reading. Now, don't get me wrong, "I can read, you've seen me read!" But I would regularly have to go back over something, re-reading it once, twice, sometimes more than that, to actually take in the information. One reading wouldn't render effective for me because one word or phrase in a sentence would send my mind going rogue like Sarah Palin (minus dead moose and the pricey wardrobe). Here's what it'd be like:

Mmmm. Now if that's not distracting... (Welcome to my world, lol)

TEXT: Cameron stopped at Taco Bell...

MY MIND: oooo, Taco Bell. I wonder if they still have the Crunchwrap? I wish there was a Taco Bell closer to my house. There's really only a few fast food choices out here, and I'm pretty tired of those. But this is a really nice area. Especially in the spring time with all the flowers. Did I buy flour? Yeah, it's in the pantry. They kitchen looks a mess, I should wash those dishes...

TEXT: ...he realized the air freshener was empty.

WAIT!? What just happened? And I'd have to start over again. Eventually I started having to picture every word in my head as if there were a full scale motion picture accompanying the written words, but at least then I would be able to focus on what I'd read. The only problem was it was pretty draining to have to think so hard to get through some of the most arbitrary reading. I started to hate reading. Really I started avoiding anything that required too much of my focused attention or analyzation for a long duration of time (my feet are tapping, and I'm having to hold my face at attention to just get through editing this damn article!). Friends would want to sit down and watch a movie, and the idea would make me cringe. I'd say "No, why don't we eat?"

However, this year I started to see manifestations in a new way that I hadn't had the opportunity to in a couple years. In school. This year in school has been the hardest on me, but simultaneously not. My classes, for me, haven't been really all that difficult in their content, but for some reason completing assignments and getting them in on time, was beyond the normal procrastination of my youth. My grades have suffered pretty bad, and I could no longer ignore that something was clearly awry.

This last week I've been to the doctor a couple times for evaluation(s), all ending with the conclusion that I've got the goods, ADHD. Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. Whatever all that means. Now, I have to say, I went into this pretty confident that I'd walk away with this diagnosis. But in all honesty, a major factor in my years-long reluctance to even go to the doctor was that I didn't want to be put on any kind of medication that I'd have to take daily, indefinitely. It just weirded me out, and I didn't want to be "that guy."

Then I thought about my life...

Since I was a little boy with a perfectly flat high-top fade, cross colors, and multiple missing baby teeth, I've had big goals and grand dreams. What kid doesn't? The only thing is, mine never got any smaller; they've actually grown bigger and bigger (which probably explains the size of my can't-fit-hats head). I'd tell you about them, but this is already getting way too long for me. My dreams and goals haven't really been unclear, I haven't ever had to wonder what or where I'd be when I grew up, and those that know me well, know the future I have laid out for myself, and for some of them as well.

This year I've worked really hard (or at least tried) at getting myself disciplined in all areas of my life. From working out, to eating well, to working hard in school. I've made a few strides, but very little have I been able to make stick and I've just recently realized that if I don't take a step toward figuring out what's up with me, I'll potentially never get to the dreams, goals, and cheesecakes I've only fantasized about.

So... Monday will be Day One for me. I start taking meds to help me focus, have more attention, be more motivated to complete tasks, etc. Who knows, maybe a year from now I'll be able to sit down and read this whole letter to myself, at one time. Maybe I'll actually be able to journal for more than three consecutive nights. Maybe I'll read all the Harry Potter books... okay, one thing at a time. But I digress, (ugh) as usual..

If you take anything away from this, I would hope and pray that it's to simply not ignore a problem that you don't want to face. I've prided myself on trying hard to learn lessons vicariously through others' mishaps, screw ups, and Whitney Houston's. But on this one, I kinda failed myself. I let school suffer, potentially stalled some good things from becoming great things, and robbed myself of potentially valuable time. But I'm still young and sexy. :)

::Cues Full House serious end-of-the-episode music::
Life's challenges are not supposed to always be convenient, fun, and/or exciting to deal with. Sometimes, it's supposed to be a little scary, a little unnerving, and make you feel a little bit uneasy. But aren't some of the greatest returns in life from taking a risk, being a little vulnerable, and being open to possibilities? I sure as hell hope so, spilling all my damn business to the world. Or at least to you..

Serious face, because I think that's what's supposed to go here. Grrr.

For those of you that care, I'll do my best to keep you posted on how ADHD and me are doing. God willing, one day, just like many things in recent years, it'll be something I don't even pay attention anymore. Now, go take some chances, ask some questions, and step closer to being the best you you can be in 2010. Who knows what we'll accomplish when we take one ordered step at a time?

Best,

j.

The gem cannot be polished without friction, nor people perfected without trials.~Confucius

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